Have you ever had a near death experience?

I hadn't until today.

Okay, not really near death, but I was in a situation where someone could have easily died.

I took an early lunch today because the servers in work were down and I needed to pick up the suit that I bought for my brothers wedding next week (I'm groomsman). I had a nice large Bacon Double Cheesburger meal in BK at the top of Grafton street, alone cause Steve (Superfurrier) was giving grinds at the time, and then collected my suit.

I was walking back with no iPod on cause I couldn't find it this morning when leaving the house. As I marched up Harcourt street I got quite a shock. I was crossing a side road there about half way up on the left pavement when some woman in what looked like a Ford Escort estate (big silver thing) came out of nowhere up the side street (cul-de-sac with a few offices on it) and cut straight accross me, nearly hitting me. She stopped with the front of her car sticking half way out into the road and her back wheels about at the stop line. She looked at me with her evil look and frizzy red hair as if I had said she had a fat ass. I noticed that as soon as she looked at me her face nearly turned white in an instant, and she was looking away, down now, behind me. I was standing with my thighs nearly touching the front drivers door of her car.

I then suddenly realised why she had paled at as I heard an unholy screeching noise and turned around to see a LUAS barrelling down the road with it's brakes on full. I wasn't actually in the way of it and so didn't have to move, but it was a different story for the womans car. The tram nearly ripped the front of her car off, the front of her car was knocked away from me. The bonnet mangled upwards and smashed through one of the side windows of the LUAS as it passed.

The LUAS came to a halt about 15-20 metres away from where it first hit the car and I could see the shock on the faces of the people inside the tram, not knowing what was going on. The womans car was now facing nearly towards the Garda station on Harcourt street and she was almost silent inside. She wasn't hurt (I don't think), cause only the front of her car was hit, but shocked. I helped her out and sat her down and then some of her work colleages came out and I left. The emergency services were there when I left. The LUAS was hardly even damaged, just the bottom panel on the front was bent downwards and the broken window I think.

I can't help thinking, if I hadn't walked aimlessly across that road, causing her to stop, she would probably have been hit straight on the drivers door and her car been pushed halfway up the street. She may have lived, she may have died, but I would never know.

Anyway, scared the shit out of me.
Kev

The Whelans blog

Now available at http://whelanslive.blogspot.com.

Current members are:

Moe,
Karl,
Simon,
Steve,
Ro
and I.

enjoy, and talk shit.

Problems living my life

Yesterday I was sitting around the table with my family, my brothers fiancées family and the rest of the wedding party. I had been out for the three nights before at Whelans, Burkes birthday and then Nats birthday. Not much sleep was had over the three nights but I didn't feel that bad at all, in fact I thought I was fine.

Everyone who came up to me that day said something to the effect of "So, where were you out to last night Kev?". I had to go into the bathroom to make sure no-one had written "Donkey raping shit eater" or something on my face. I've come to the conclusion that either I've lost the ability to self diagnose without visual confirmation, or else I just look hungover all the time now, even when not drinking the night before. Both of these are bad omens and so because of these I have decided not to drink this week at all (alcohol that is), so help me Jebus.

This is also prompted by the fact that there's a hell of a week next week with Tuesday and Wednesday nights being Pixies and Weezer, Thursday being Thursday and Friday being my brothers wedding. Saturday I'm sure will be lethal and Sunday morbid as always. I don't think I could face this without a clear mind and a revitalised soul.

Call me crapulent, but wish me luck,
Kev

p.s. Of course, this abstination doesn't apply to Thursday night.

Syllian Rayle - 13/8/05 - 4 Sidmonton Rd., Bray.

This performance was doomed from the start. With the mysterious relocation of the mic stand to begin with, the night went down hill for the band. Technical difficulties plagued them, but they overcame and rocked. When Simons guitar ran out of batteries last month, it seems that instead of putting a new one in, he accidentally replaced it with the first battery ever made. This lead to a knife-as-screwdriver DIY session, but Con donated a battery of the moden era and all was good.

Before the gig Robs marketing talents shone. Within 5 mins of the start of the gig, every single person in the house was wearing a Syllian Rayle sticker. Some luck bastards even got the highly desired, special edition, Snout & Rectum stickers.

The gig began and then came crashing down 1 bar later as Ross managed to break a string on the first chord. I think he got a little excited and rocked too hard. There was then a brief period of Moe talking shit, a little "Take your cow and fuck it", and we were back underway.

The performace was excellent, the acoustics were shite, Simon showcased some of his newfangled in-gig dancing routines, Ross didn't, Moe repeatedly got electrocuted by his mic, Happy birthday Natasha, end.

I could comment on the actual songs they played, but how do I? Noone seems to know the names of them! Anyway, that would make this a review, which it's not, just a recap. Anywho, Simon promptly produced a bottle mounted device and Ross got drunk. Moe reverted to Billy and I think Rob got lost somewhere for a while. They were accompanied by Constantine Ward and Darren Burke to form the long awaited Smumpkins. I'd say much about them but I only saw them actually play 2 Pumpkins songs, among many other covers. Con's amp nearly melted and he was the most pissed off man in the world for the duration of the gig. I was in the conservatory smoking joints at this time and listening to better music. Ironically, my iPod (on random) picked out the only 2 Pumpkins songs in a 51 track playlist and played them 1 & 2 while the Smumpkins were playing.

The night proceded to get giddier, probably due to the half inflated bouncey castle out the back. Simon created a fanastic Barbie Beer (see below). Natasha was in great form and Ross was surprisingly alive too. Moe fell asleep after over-exhausting himself on the castle.

I think I robbed all of Ste Quinns cigarrettes.

Enjoy the pics below.

Photos from the gig.

	Ross looking to the lord for guidance before the big gig.
	Ross's sex face.
	Moe's sex face.
	Rob getting into the mood.
	Nats: sporting an unusual Syllian Rayle emblem. A little sleepy at the end of the night.
	Si, a devout fan.
	Smumpkins
	Rob goes for the babymaker
	Barbie Beer.
	Snout & Rectum

physiotherapist

physio-the-rapist

Life, liberty & equality for all in An Irish Bank

So here I am sitting at a computer in work, I've been surfing the internet solidly for a good 2 days now waiting for a reply phone call from some bugger in England who doesn't seem to know the international dialing code. I'm bored, I'm hungover, I'm cold and I've got a pain in my throat from smoking too many fucking cigars in Whelans last night. Will the situation climb or plummet today? I have a sneaking suspicion that it'll be the latter.

Got Burke's birthday thing to go to tonight .... yay .... I need that like a cripple needs a climbing frame. Seeing all the same people every day I go out is getting to me. Don't get me wrong, I love em all but it all seems so God damn predictable. My life, that is, is skipping. Deeply scratched and asking to be turned off. Just gotta find some way to nudge the needle. Did I think ten years ago that I'd be in this mess now? Yes. I knew it even then, well, at least it's not a surprise. I could even say things have picked up since then I suppose (note: slightly less gloomy sentence here). Anyway, the grass is always greener...

On a lighter note I think I'm probably going to die on Sunday. Massive liver failure, throat cancer, fire-ass, heart disease or some lovely combination of all will take me down in a blaze of glory, I'm sure of it.

Snout & Rectum: this has been the topic of conversation of recent days. It sounds very promising (as I'm sure you'll agree) and a lot of work has been put in to getting both the Snout and the Rectum just right. Moe is very happy with both, but Ross I hear isn't happy with his Rectum, although Ross is never happy. He says it's just not right yet and he's not willing to stand on stage and show it to the world. I think it's just shyness, he's been out of the limelight for a long time now, and recently he's been struggling with chronic IDS (Imminent Death Syndrome). Yeah, God just shat on Ross, and Ross just doesn't think his Rectum lives up to anything at the moment. He just can't shit back.

The annoying thing is that Syllian Rayle are so much better than Dead Girls & Boys, but I know they're not going to go anywhere. They need a kick in the ass really to get them seriously gigging. There doesn't seem to be the same enthusiasm as there used to be or as there currently is about DGAB. Syllian Rayle is just happening by default and effort on Moe's part but the others don't seem to give much of a shit about it. This annoys me greatly.

Some good words:

• supercool
• vagina
• antidisestablishmentarianism
• ubiquitous (dictionary.com's word of the day today)
  

I'm gonna try to get the photo below on the wall in Whelans, the one entitled "Who did that?". I think as a regular, a sponsor, a trendsetter, a public attraction and a general swell guy I deserve it. There seems to be some debate about this matter though, and I think I may start a poll about it on boards.ie or something. Pakie doesn't seem too keen on the matter ("It's not that kind of wall Kev") and either is Lorchan but the three D's: Damien, Donnchadh and Dorota are of the same mindset as me. I think I'm gonna have to go upstairs on this one. Please feel free to leave a comment as to your opinions on this matter, if anyone reads this shit I'm saying.

Tuborg: Would you believe I found a way to drink Tuborg better? Well you'd be wrong, cause I have. It's called a bottle and it's made from glass. €23.99 for crate from Dunnes and 2 crates to make you happy. Also ordered my Tuborg t-shirt a few days ago and it should be arriving soon. SHIT! Looking for that link I just found another one! I'll buy that too, it's better.

One of the strange things I find about this working in this place is the fact that they have these "Work Against Racism" posters all over the place. "ITD is committed to making our workplace an anti-racism workplace". I applaud the idea of it but it's a pity they don't have these posters in the HR department cause there is not one single member of an ethnic minority working here, for fuck sake I've only seen one northsider!

"Congratulations,
If you can read this information, you have correctly installed your hp Laserjet 1300 PCL 6 on ENT-INTEGRAL."

Now there's a misplaced comma if I've ever seen one.

So what am I gonna do about this whole situation with the week after next then? Got Pixies and Kings of Leon on Tuesday night, Weezer Wednesday, the usual debaucher on Thursday and then my brothers wedding on Friday. I assume there's gonna be some bone crunching beer related activity on Saturday too. If I do somehow survive till that Sunday, I think I'll give up booze forever. My subconscience pulled me aside for a little chat there the other day while I was asleep. It said "Kev, for fuck sake, what are ya doing? I mean this is just childish. Fucking grow up will ya?" but I don't want to grow up. Far from it.


The moral of these stories is: If it hurts, take it out of your ass.

Kev