My Full Stop

Well ladies and gents, my time has come. I say this with a little sadness, a heavy heart and a slight stiffness in my left knee. Today I have been diagnosed with an illness that shall soon take my life. I knew all that cracking my knuckles would lead to an untimely end but it just felt so good, who could resist. I have Imminent Death Syndrome.

I've had a lot of time to ponder the finer points of life and death since this news broke almost 12 hours ago and I believe my findings will bring me some peace in my last hours. I've had a good life by very low standards and I have achieved a lot, compared to a horse or a household plant. This is all I could have really asked for as a being of lower inteligence.

I hereby set out my last wishes:
My entire estate shall be auctioned off by Christies of New York on New Years eve 2009 (I appologise for the delay but the vast amount of lots will need to be sorted and categorised). Two items shall be excluded: my rare collection of stamps cut into falic shapes that have been stuck to a roll of toilet paper. This item shall be donated to the Space Museum in Washinton DC. My collection of cum rags shall be disposed of in a hygienic manner. If by the time I die these two items become the same then donation to the museum is preferred. I know these requests contradict former arrangements made in various pubs but I trust you will all understand. Any outstanding legal action against me should be transferred to Maurice Curtin as he is most likely partly resonsible. All outstanding asylum bills shall be left unpaid, as I always disagreed with their policy of charging me for care, seeing as I am a duck.

In relation to the disposal of my remains I wish to have a full funeral and be buried. Exactly one year later I would like Simon Kinane and Ross Duffy to, in the middle of the night, exume my rotting corpse and feed it Tuborg. I wish then (after 13 or so beers and maybe a JD and coke or two depending on how I'm feeling) to be cremated in the fires of Mount St. Helens, placed there at the very moment it next erupts. There shall be a small grave stone erected in honour of me at the north pole. All it shall say is:

Here lies Kevin Pattison - a cock of a man.

I can smell the cold metal of that sithe just over my shoulder now and I will keep this brief. I would like to be remembered as an ugly man, a man who was inept in most ways and was generally unlikable, if not forgettable. A man who smelt bad even when recently washed, as a woman, and as a man who was afraid of farm animals, doors and words beginning in the letter "P".

Good night cruel world ... you bastard. You never looked me in the eye, and I die with a mouth full of wasted saliva.

Kevin

p.s. please take this as advanced notification that I will not be present in work on Monday.

Logistics of Zombie attack survival

Since moving into the new house at La Verna an urgent need to develop a contingency plan in case of Zombie attack has emerged. The proximity to the city centre and fact that the area is almost completely residential raises immediate concern any time I come close to home.

Know your foe:
First we have to understand what we are dealing with and so I will describe some typical attributes of the common zombie:

• Arms (weaponary) are controlled by living flesh only.
• Various stages of decomposition reported (this can be advantageous).
• Nearly all human attributes lost including pulse, reliance on organs, compassion, rational though of any kind, sense of touch (including pain), etc.
• Relentlessly come for you when aware of your presence and have been known to attempt to get past an immovable object to no avail and with no rest for up to 9 months.
• Impervious to infection
• Have no ability/desire to reproduce.
• Display an almost comical slumping walk.
• Have greatly reduced eyesight but highly improved senses of hearing and smell (called hypersense). No evidence of any sense of taste either.
• Only seek human flesh, other species are ignored.
• Have strength only of host human (that deteriorates as body decomposes/muscle fibers break) but do not suffer fatigue.
• Are not fooled by members of the living acting like zombies.
  
• Have no ability to communicate with one another.
• Can live (being undead that is) underwater as easily as above (however decomposing flesh tends to float).

• Die when the cranuim is removed/destroyed.

Always be prepared:
It is obvious that zombies are a formidable opponant to the living man when they appear in large quantites but don't be lulled into a false sense of security should you run into a lone undead on a quite nights stroll. At first you may try to attack it but if unarmed this is the wrong thing to do. I have been working on my initial reaction to first contact and I've broken it down into the 4 most likely scenarios:

1. At Work: As I work in an office that is below sea level I am at a major initial disadvantage if I become aware of an outbreak by any other way than the media (or the local early zombie warning system). This is unlikely however as my work is by the sea and therefore is not enclosed by a population of any great mass. If I do personally discover unwanted undead individuals in my workplace I will not e-mail my manager in disgust, instead will I knock my foe to the ground and crush it's skull with my computer monitor. If on the other hand I am informed by the media I shall immediately try to learn as much as I can about the infestations on my route to the nearest stronghold (currently my house), plan carefully, stock up but not burden myself, and then leave. Prayer is useless. Chances of survival: 42%
   
2. While loitering: In this case it is almost certain that I will be made aware by personal contact as I don't listen to the radio (since Phantom FM went off the air). I will almost definitely be unarmed and hungover. In this state I will probably have missed all the early warning signs and be in the middle of a full class 3 outbreak. Defending human forces could quite easily, in thier haste and ignorance, mistake my pale drooping eyes for that of a ghoul's and destroy me onsite. Chances of survival: 15-18%
   
3. In the pub: Do not learn from movies like Sean of the Dead. Chances of survival: 0%
4. At home in La Verna: Were I to learn of an attack while in my house I would be in a good position to defend myself. I would first consult our IUD (Initial Undead Defense plan - see below) that is posted in many locations around the house to ensure I am up to date. I have large stockpiles of essential items including pennicillin, drinking water, weapons (including a battleaxe, a sword and other hand items), Tuborg, tinned food, entertainment (an underrated essential), a plug for you bathtub when collecting rainwater, some kind of petrol driven generator that also run as a pedalled bicycle, and many other items. The availablility of a living human female will also be essential to rebuild the race. Being our house inhabited by four males this may not be immediately at hand but I will address this situation later in this text. As my house also doubles as a dental surgery during the day, many other uncommon but useful items are avaiable to me that I will discover a use for when the demand arises. Chances of survival: 87%
   

Many people believe, as I used to, that this fate will never dawn on the world, and if it does the chances of the first outbreak being in my locality are remote but people; it has to be in someones locality ... and it will happen. Some things I am still looking to put in place, for example a wireless broadband service is preferable to my current NTL landbased solution. The internet would be needed for information purposes, both inward and outward from your personal fortress and may well be your only way to inform the world that you are alive and in need of reinforcements/food/women. Other items I wish to install are lockable, strong internal doors for when the primary shielding gives way. Luckily our house is very well designed to withstand an attack. We have a heavy wooden front door (hopefully soon to be replaced by a steel door), double glased windows and most of all a second floor.

The importance of an IUD:
A well though out Initial Undead Defense plan is the difference between life and death in a recently infected world. This should be studied often and memorised as well as your own name. Often should it be showed to knowledgable folk for advice including your local law enforcement agency. I will give some advice that should possibly be included in your plan, depending on your circumstances (remember a IUD is a very personal thing, just using someone else's is a recipe for disaster):

• Think about things that you will need and list them in order of essentialness (but grouped by place of retrieval) at the top of the document. When in crisis a quick read can then quickly prioritise in your mind what is needed on short notice.
• Include a graphical map of the optimum route between intended sites (possibly even a rip off copy to take with you). On this map have all distances marked and expected times to get from site to site. I personally have included a secondary route also. Remember, do not use yellow ink as this is hard to see under streetlight or in the evening.
• Obvious things to list would be many of those listed above but primarily ammunition (if firearms are at hand), personal weaponary (if they aren't), water, beer, matches, tinned food, pennicillin, female company and petrol for your generator. Secondary to these are more personal to the situation but would almost certainly include: wood panelling and nails for home reinforcement, vitimin supplements, spirits and mixers, firewood and insulation, and other sanitary produce. Tertiary would be entertainment items, cigars, bandanas, Cheech & Chong movies and chewing gum.
• Things must also be thought out logically; for example the first thing to do would be start the bath running before the water supply is cut off. After you get back you should move all usable items upstairs and destroy the staircase (very effective)
  

Weaponary:
If there's one thing you must decide on before your IUD it's the choice of weaponary you will keep in the house at all times. This is a very personal thing and varies greatly amongst concerned people like myself. As you can see above I have gone for an assortment of close combat weapons. The reason for this is a combination of mainly three things: 1. firearms are illegal in this country, 2. the defence forces, when uneducted and in sight of a gun bearing individual in the middle of an undead orgy, will olmost always pick you out first and 3. guns have to be reloaded, axes don't.
Many others I know prefer the armed-to-the-teeth approach but this is a foolhardy approach in my opinion. Our main advantage over the zombie is our agility and speed. Take away these key factors and we will be struggling to get away from them!

Summary:
First things to do NOW are stock up, get an IUD together and choose your defensive items. In future always be alert, logical (compassion has no part to play in warfare), close to your personal fortress and on the lookout for suspicious signs. I wish you all the best of luck and I hope my advice will save your life some day. Please do comment and make your own suggestions as I am hoping to learn all I can to defend myself and keep our great race in power.

Kev